The Naming of Canada
	Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada. "You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through." "I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that." "Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first." "Okay," said the first explorer. "C, ay." "My turn," said the second explorer. "N, ay." Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

Surrealists 'n' Lightbulbs
	How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Banana

A Fisherman's Tale
	Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

Hilarious Signs
	Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!" On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

	Football Fan To The Rescue
	Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

	Why Most Professions Are Dirty
	The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes." The Dentist because he says, "Open wide." The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it." The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em." The Mailman because he always delivers his package. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?
	Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Signs That You're A Drunk
	1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!? 8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem. 9. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 10. You fall off the floor 11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive 14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!! 15. Roseanne looks good 16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass. 17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again. 18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 19. You've fallen and can't get up. 20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

What's Up Doc?
	A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!" Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Bumper Stickers II
	All men are idiots, and I married their King. So many stupid people... so few comets. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I Brake for no apparent reason. Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Keep honking...I'm reloading....

	Three Explorers Are Captured...
	    A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."     The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.     The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.     The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.     There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"     The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe,  asshole!"

Philosophic Anecdotes

An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language.

"You will note," said the stuffy Oxford scholar, "that in the English language, two negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can mean a negative."

To which someone in the back responded, "yeah, yeah."